I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
