Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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