I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
