thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
handjob tips. give me some.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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