life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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