What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize