my phone needs a breathalizer
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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