So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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