My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
