In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
