I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
