It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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