i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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