I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
