I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
