someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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