Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
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