dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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