It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
