I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
