Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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