and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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