Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
