How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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