i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
