oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize