Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
