good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
