"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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