I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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