Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
