bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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