can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize