i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
where does the pee come out of this thing
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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