and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
