hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
whose parrot is this?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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