he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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