Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
