Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I pour the whiskey from now on
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