Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
