...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
