grandma shit on top of the toilet
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
how drunk are you?
Several
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
