you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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