I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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