a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
