420 ftw
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
