Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
