Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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