I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize