I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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