marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
