Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
