She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
