don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Every concussion has its silver lining
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
