my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
