you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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