my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
